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John Loughton, Interim Head of Public Policy at Relate said:

“Today’s response from Government is one important step in mobilising a longer-term culture change to be a more family friendly society that respects the importance of positive healthy relationships.

“It is right that the family justice service operates in the best interests of the child. Relate welcomes the recommendations to avoid court where possible as we know this is rarely the most appropriate place to resolve a family dispute. Therefore we agree with the Government’s decision to focus policy and resources on a more robust range of relationship and family support services that are evidence-based and preventative in nature.

“We welcome the proposed range of dispute-resolution models such as Parental Plans that will help avoid unnecessary relationship conflict, more holistic parental information through web and telephone information services, and the pledge to increase investment in mediation provision by £15million. Relate believes that these services must include therapeutic interventions, in order to meet both the emotional and practical needs of families. These measures will empower families earlier, prevent further harmful breakdown and mitigate the strain on the court system.

 ”Anyone needing to speak to a counsellor can call Relate on 0300 100 1234 / www.relate.org.uk”

Notes to editors:

• Relate’s vision is a future in which healthy relationships form the heart of a thriving society
• Relate’s services extend beyond couple counselling to family counselling, counselling for young people online counselling, sex therapy and informal workshops
• Relate works in schools, primary care settings, prisons, and Children’s Centres
• Relate supports 150,000 people each year in over 600 locations in England, Wales and Northern Ireland
• Relate has a work-force of 2,000 people nationwide
• For more information and advice visit: www.relate.org.uk

Parents sometimes underestimate the impact of divorce on their children but will want to minimise any long term effects and help them come to terms with what has happened.

So how do you break the news to your children?  Try not to pretend ‘it will be alright’ –it may not in their eyes, or make promises that you will find difficult to keep – “nothing will be different” or “you can see mum/dad whenever you want to”. What you say will be dependent on your children’s age but ask yourself if they need to know the full details of your relationship breakdown?

Avoid blaming your ex partner, this won’t help your children come to terms with their feelings OR do your relationship with them any good in the long run.

Don’t ask children to choose between you, take sides, or be go-betweens; they may have divided loyalties or even worry about you. Just keep it simple; let them know it wasn’t their fault and that they are still loved by you both.

Listen without taking sides or stressing your point of view. They may see things quite differently and may need to express their anger or sadness by directing it at you! They may show you they still need you by regressing slightly, being more clingy, needing more reassurance than usual. Be patient, they too need time to adjust.

Encourage them to be honest about how they feel and if this is too difficult a conversation for you, then encourage them to talk to someone you and they trust.

Let them ask questions.  Some may be obvious, some bizarre – “where will I live? What happens at Christmas? Will I have to move?” They may make assumptions based on what has happened to friends or even what they have seen on the telly.

Let school know what is happening at home; you are warning them that your children may be upset, confused and may need a little more patience and understanding than usual. They can alert you to signs that your kids are behaving unusually or appearing not to cope.

For the majority of children, maintaining a relationship with both parents helps them come to terms with what has happened. Deciding how to parent when you don’t live together may mean accepting that different houses have different rules, values and routines. Try to keep disagreements between you and your ex private and stick to agreed arrangements and commitments. Keeping communication respectful will show your children that you can put them first and help them adjust, accept and move on.

You can get more tips from our book, Help your Children Cope with Your divorce, R.R.P £8.99

“It’s no surprise that the divorce rate is rising given the pressures that couples and families are under. In fact we are seeing more people than ever coming to Relate because of money worries.

“Combine rising unemployment and rising inflation, and you create a pressure cooker for relationships. But given that 60% of separated couples would have liked to save their relationships*, we need the Government to do more to ensure that everyone has access to relationship support at a much earlier stage, especially those on low incomes.”

“We know that couples wait over two years before coming to Relate**, today’s statistics are a stark reminder of the cost of ignoring relationship difficulties. We’d urge all couples to seek help as soon as they start having problems.”

* Relationships matter, 2010

** A survey of 257 participants who called Relate’s national number 0300 100 1234 (from June – July 2011)

New research* from the relationship experts, Relate, reveals that whilst Christmas is certainly a time for families, it can also be a time when tempers fray. Last year the charity saw a 35% increase in people looking for help in the first week in January alone**. 

The findings show that whilst a heart warming 66% of those  interviewed are looking forward to spending time with family over the festive season, more, 68%, expect to row over the holidays and 39% are most likely to have a big bust up on Christmas day itself. 

Which is why top of Relate’s wish list this year is for all families across the country to enjoy a happy and argument free festive season. 

Relate Counsellor, Denise Knowles, commented: “It’s a really sad fact that we see a huge surge of calls for help during and after the festive season. This year, all we want is for families to enjoy a happier and more peaceful Christmas.”

The most common problems for fireworks were identified as personality clashes (14%) and not agreeing on what to do (10%). And it seems we are most likely to argue with our partner (29%) or our children (13%).

To help, the charity is offering advice on how to cope with the festive season, including an advent calendar packed full of tips at www.relate.org.uk.

Denise Knowles, continued “It’s hard not to get excited about Christmas, especially the little ones who look forward to the yearly visit from Santa. However, this can place immense pressure on families and parents in particular.

“Arguments happen, but the following advice will help stop them spiralling out of control:

• It’s all in the planning – do as much planning and organising before the festive day. Delegate and share the responsibilities in the lead up to and the day itself
• If you do argue, stick to the argument topic – avoid adding ‘and another thing………..’ as this will mean the issue doesn’t get resolved
• Confront the issue, not each other
• Don’t play the blame game -try not to blame each other or anyone else in the family. This only invites one of you to become defensive, increasing the ‘attack’
• Remember alcohol has a way of making tongues loose and problems larger than perhaps they are. Be careful with the Christmas booze; the hangover can be cured but the damage of words can scar deeply
• Pull crackers, enjoy the jokes and gifts, but don’t make a partner the butt end of your jokes. It may not be the cracker that is the only thing that goes off with a bang.
• Talk about how ‘I’ feel, this reduces confusion. Don’t hint or use sarcasm; avoid bringing in other people’s opinions to back you up. So for example – “I think……..” not “Everyone thinks….”
• Listen to what is being said, you might learn something, or least have something new to consider”

However, with over one third (36%) of families saying their family bond is strengthened over Christmas, it’s clear that spending time together celebrating the festive season does bring people closer together.

Denise Knowles, commented: “We all now lead such busy lives it can be difficult to find time to spend with each other, and that’s really important for families. That’s why Christmas can be so fantastic as it allows everyone to come together. 

“This year, by following the advice available on our websites, www.relate.org.uk and www.relateforparents.org.uk we hope that everyone is able to enjoy a happy and peaceful Christmas.”

 To get tips and advice from Relate’s festive advent calendar, visit www.relate.org.uk

*  Fieldwork was conducted by Vision Critical on behalf of Relate in October 2011. 1,512 British adults aged 18+ were surveyed. All were in a relationship for 3 years+, with children (of any age). There was a broad spread of age, gender, region and social grade. Quoted figures are weighted.

**35% increase is made up of 20% increase in calls to Relate’s 0300 100 1234 number and 15% increase in unique visitors to www.relate.org.uk over the first week (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday) in January 2011 compared to an average week in 2010.

Click here to read the article and download the PDF.

As well as new discussion boards for parents and family and friends carers the site has an interactive information section: www.frg.org.uk/need-help-or-advice  helping more families can find the information they need. 

Detailed legal advice sheets are available to download and save or print (in PDF format).

In Autumn, as the clocks change and the nights get darker earlier, this can mean a change of boundaries for your children. Click here to try our free live chat service if you need help with a family dilemma.

Working on the basis that we take 8 hours out for sleeping the “awake” time for this exercise is based on a 16 hour day for 7 days a week = 112 hours.

Make a circle (a cake) and divide it up into segments showing how much time in one week you spend doing different activities.  The aim is to show how much time you allow for your own activities and highlight how much time you give to others.

When you have completed your “cake” see if you think it needs changing in some ways that make it more balanced for you.

An example looks like this: